The Cycle of Abuse: Why survivors sometimes go back

One of the questions I hear the most is, “Why don’t they just leave?” if only it were that simple. 

Abuse doesn’t usually happen all at once, it often follows what’s called the cycle of abuse, and understanding it can help us be more compassionate and supportive toward survivors. 

Here’s what the cycle often looks like: 

• Tension building – Things start feeling off. There might be more arguments, criticism, or silent treatment. The survivor often feels like they’re walking on eggshells. 

• Incident – This is when the abuse happens, whether it’s physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or financial. 

• Reconciliation- The abuser may apologize, give gifts, or promise it’ll never happen again. This stage can be confusing and even give hope that things will change.

• Calm – Things feel “normal” for a while, but the cycle usually starts again. 

This pattern makes leaving complicated. Survivors may still love the person, hope for change, or fear what might happen if they go. Many also face financial control, threats, or lack of a safe place to stay. 

At the Family Crisis Center, we never judge someone for staying or going, we focus on safety, options, and support. If you or someone you know needs to talk through a situation, our 24/7 line is always open at (208)356-0065. Everything is free and confidential. 

You don’t have to go through it alone.